too many thoughts

I want things

2006-06-25T03:03:00.000-07:00

to go back to the way it was...................................

2 years ago this time....................................

why cant i stop thinking

2006-06-25T02:52:00.000-07:00

I believe that he used to love me in the all-consuming, need you there, centre of my world, blow my mind kind of love me way.
I believe that I had something to do with it ending
Either he discovered that there are other things out there that can make him just as happy, that he can have just as much fun with or I became less everything, but things have definitely changed.
I want it to be the way it use to be, I want that kind of love, what I have now with him is not going to be enough. Not by a long shot.
I may not be able to know my worth but I know what I dont want and what makes me really really unhappy.

I love him, I just want to hold him and to speak to him and be with him. But that is not enough to make it work.

I want to leave, go somewhere else. Anywhere else and be able to get away from him and get away from thinking and feeling like this.

Things have changed, im just trying to hold onto what I can take.

admissions

2006-06-23T20:38:00.000-07:00

There are so many things that I've realised about myself that I hate.
I have no idea when i became this person, maybe i've always been this person I've just never really know it.
I wish wish wish I was different and even after saying that I dont know if I am able to do anything to make myself different. That is probably that most pathetic thing of all.
What is the point of having a brain and being able to find your flaws if you cant do anything to change them.
I am needy
I am insecure
I need a boy to tell me im beautiful or wonderful or smart, i cant seem to think of this myself
I cant look at him and go it is your loss, i feel like i have to be better or prettier or nicer
I am not able to separate my pain and focus on what i need to do
I cannot let things that hurt not get to me so i can get on with work
I need my friends to take care of me
I need a boy to take care of me
I need a boy to love me
I need to feel wanted
I need validation from other people
I feel ugly
I am so jealous and insecure
I hate that I'm all these things and I cant work out why
I hate that at 21 i am so not the person i wanted to be
I hate that ive turned into that sort of girl that i cant stand to be
I am nowhere near as independent as i would have thought i was
Maybe all of these things are just me
I cant feel good until a boy tells me that i am
I cant just walk away when they have done me wrong and be like, you are a prick, i will beg and change so that they still love me
I am alot more selfish than I have ever imagined
I dont have a clue what I'm doing
Ive always imagined me at 21 being so much more different thatn this, so much more independent, a better person

a break from all the serious posts

2005-06-09T08:17:00.000-07:00

Ok i think im pissing myself with all the serious and reflective blogs.

I like big butts and I can not lie
You other brothers can't deny
That when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist
And a round thing in your face
You get sprung, wanna pull out your tongue
'Cause you notice that butt was stuffed
Deep in the jeans she's wearing
I'm hooked and I can't stop staring
Oh baby, I wanna get wit'cha
And take your picture
My homeboys tried to warn me
But with that butt you got makes me feel so horny
Ooh, Rump-o'-smooth-skin
You say you wanna get in my Benz?
Well, use me, use me
'Cause you ain't that average groupy
I've seen them dancin'
The hell with romancin'

Thank you sir-mix-alot, this song never fails to crack me up.

*************************************************************************************

Ok i think i have a skinny guy complex. I like fear them or something, its like i see a guy that is skinny and im like argh argh argh argh argh argh run run run run run.

This is a very common problem in asian boys.

nice but uh-uh

2005-06-07T05:37:00.000-07:00

Read this somewhere;

"Try to love someone just once.
Just one person without any condition or limitation of any kind.
Witho no expectation, with nothing required in return.
Just try, just once, to love someone like that.
But be careful,
because if you do it once,
and you feel that feeling,
you'll be addicted."

Sweeet, nicely worded, but at the risk of sounding cynical can you offer me a promise of forever with this addiction? I'm not talking a heat of the moment 'as far as i can see' kind of promise but a set in stone, guarantee of foreverness.

Nup?

Well then thank you for the offer but no thank you.

the underdogs

2005-05-25T02:37:00.000-07:00

When i was in grade six the 96 Atlanta Olympic games were taking place, i'd just given up gym so i spent all my time taping and watching the artistic gymnastic comps on channel seven.

In the US team there was a girl called Shannon Miller, it was her first olympic games (she was 16 or 17) one of the youngest on the team and she was brought in as a reserve because this other girl on the team got an injury. The commentators basically wrote her off, she was young, she was inexperienced and she had no titles to her name.

She came out of those Olympic games with 5 Medals to her name, making her one of the most successful female gymnasts in terms of medal tally in a non boycotted Olympic games.

People are underestimated. Its not a flaw, it just happens.

Certain ladies are never expected to get 'that' boy, people (like me) are not expected to get through my course and certain couples do not project a forever feel about them.

This is because of alot of things.

We assume that ultra hot boys are typically goin to end up with ultra hot girls, we expect that i wouldnt have the determination/brains to get through a course where the drop out/failure rate is so high and we think that a couples devotion to each other can be measured by what we know about them rather than what they feel about each other.
All this is based on appearance.

When it comes down to it, its about what you know you can do, how devoted you know you are. It doesnt matter how many people write you off unless one of those people is yourself. You know what you're capable of, the compromises and sacrifices you are willing to go through and in the end you know how you feel. Noone on the outside is ever goin to be able to see this as clearly as you will.

Surprise them.

*look where you've been, where you've come from, where you are. You've travelled a million miles but its a road where, people with perhaps more potential than you have lost their way and given up. It's been hard but whatever happens in the future, you've gotten this far. Why stop walking now.'*

changes

2005-05-23T07:55:00.000-07:00

How can things be so different without you even noticing?

You wake up one day and it all looks different, the faces look like the faces you use to know but they arent.

You look back, you search for something, something familiar and before you've even had a change to turn your head to face the front again things a different once again.

Just give me a moment to catch up will you.

***************************************************************************************

I hold on to happy memories, i cant quite remember specific events just randomn feelings. I hold onto something that i once felt was everlasting, a feeling that was reflected off you.

Things are different now, I'm different now and by changing things I've made you different. I was stupid to think that it was just a title, that the other feelings would stay the same.

I promise that i dont just want to be loved, I'm ready to let go of all of that, i think i am anyway.

I know the sort of person you are and i know that no matter where you are you will be something. you will mean so much to the people around you because you cant help but care with all you heart. You will do amazing things, you will be someone amazing, the person you imagine, the person you hope to be, you will be. I know that with more certainty than i know anything else in my life. I just didnt think i wouldnt be there when you became all these amazing things.

I dont konw what I'm holding onto, just gimme some time to let go. Deep breath, dont look back.

*stiffen up that upper lip, whatcha crying about?*

To my Australian Love affair

2005-05-23T07:14:00.000-07:00

Dear Miss Spirin Buppapirak,

I think about it and really i havent known you very long. I've know you for less than a third of the time that sex and the city was on the air and i think ive know you for about the same time that it took the producers of buffy to realise the ugliness of Riley and cut him. And i know this sounds somewhat cliched but it feels like ive been through so much with you that imagining my life without you would be like imagining that i never watched an episode of Buffy.

You became a big part of my life when i really thought that i had enough amazing friends. I didint think id needed anymore, i was content with all the people that were apart of my life. Then you came and you changed my perceptions on everything.

I think that i know exactly what person you are (bar your bra size!), I know all about what you think are you 'flaws', I've seen you make mistakes, I've seen you be amazing, I've seen you silly, I've seen you smart, I've seen all the many different colours and shades of sririn. Shes pink on some days, shes purple on some days but never ever blue (yuk!). I'd like to think ive seen it all and nothings changed. I love the person that you are.

I'm not the most expressive person, i talk alot but rarely am i able to easily talk about things that matter to me. You make me feel like i can open up, for some reason you know when i need you to listen and you know when i need you to change the subject and make me laugh. You have always made me feel like no matter what i did, however wrong i was you'd always be on my side. If my life was some sort of football game you would be my cheerleader, my coach and my team mate blocking me from getting knocked down.

So basically what i'm trying to say in many many words is that you mean the world to me. I cant think of a day where i wont have a million things to say to you, i cant think of a day where things between us would be different. So to my shopping hating, hot chip loving, thong wearing, late late, poem writing, last minute cramming, cross stitching friend i want you to have the happiest of happy 21st. *my baby's all grown up!* I want this year to be filled with everything amazing because you are everything amazing.

Lovie Lisa

ps I plan on being here for you next birthday and the one after that and the one after that................ till we're old little grannies talking and laughing.

goodbye..........soooon

2005-04-26T06:07:00.000-07:00

toooooo soooooooonn, noooooooooot reeeeaaaaddddy.

*innnnnn, ouuuuuuuuuut, iiiinnnnnnnnn, ouuuuuuuuuuut.........*

where's my head at

2005-04-24T21:37:00.000-07:00

There are so many people that just know exactly who they are, exactly what they want, exactly what they are looking for.

Sometimes i can just barely get through what i dont want but deciphering what it is that i want is a completely different story altogether.

So let's try:

*I want to never forget everything that i say i wont forget.
*I want to remember all the moments that i feel really really loved instead of letting those moments be overshadowed by the times i feel really really unloved.
*I want to never feel alone, whether that is the case or not.
*I want to remember every gesture that has surprised me, and the people that gestured, little and big
*I want to be able to say 'im goin to study' and actually study in the non wasting time/tv watching/phoning way of study
*I want to wake up with someone's arms around me
*I want to be different, not a different person just a little better

*************************************************************************************
How many people do you think you think you click with in one lifetime?
How many people can you look around you and say they have changed your life in someway?
How long does it take for hindsight to kick in?

*************************************************************************************
'True feelings for a woman is about the best experience you're ever going to have. It'll make you strong, it will make you stupid and it will definitely take you closer to the man you want to be.'

-Pacey Witter

The wisdom that comes from DC (yes you ALLLLLLL know what DC stands for)

just keep breathing

2005-04-20T04:38:00.000-07:00

Two ACTL finals in one day, neeed to leave house in about 10 minutes.

Not dressed, not showered and definitely not studied enough.

DEeeeeeeeeeeeep breath i think i am past the point of stressed that i cant actually looook at my notes anymore.

No more advil neeeed to conserve.

All the actl ppl, specifically Lisa Anthony Andy Brandon, oh ma god come and save me, please oh please.

i think this is what an anxiety attack feels like.

*inhales deeeply*

2005-04-13T13:07:00.000-07:00

Welcome to the tour of Lisa, Perla, Shruti and Dee's apartment. Its messy and probably not that clean but I love it here. Enjoy.

2005-04-13T13:06:00.001-07:00

the inhabitants of RJ room 220- the BEST apartment

2005-04-13T13:06:00.000-07:00

my living room #2- god that looks like a GIGANTIC penis in our living room, it is NOT a gigantic penis. It just looks like one

2005-04-13T13:05:00.001-07:00

my living room- notice the tv less ness

2005-04-13T13:05:00.000-07:00

my kitchen- notice how garbage needs to be taken out, thats coz its NOT my week of cleaning!

2005-04-13T13:04:00.000-07:00

my bathroom, dont think anyone cares but hey.

2005-04-13T13:03:00.001-07:00

my wall above my desk. Flags starting left: Chile, China, Canada, Australia and Denmark.
And lots of actl notes, damn i need photos!

2005-04-13T13:03:00.000-07:00

what you see outside my window....LOOOK such a nice day! i WORE THONGS TODAY!!

2005-04-13T13:02:00.001-07:00

my closet also very bare since im currently doin washing

2005-04-13T13:02:00.000-07:00

perla's wall- cartoon her bro drew for her and photos. WIsh i brought more photos!

2005-04-13T13:01:00.000-07:00

my room ie me and perla's bed, im doing washing so have nothing on my bed but normally i have pretty sheets I PROMISE

big big mistake

2005-04-08T18:21:00.000-07:00

Got haircut.

Shortest hair I have ever had bar that HUGE mistake sometime in year 8.

Feeling ULTRA ugly, this is sooooooo unfixable.

What in the world was i thinking.

argh argh argh argh argh.

affirmation

2005-04-03T19:58:00.000-07:00

*Sarah* feels amazing and confident. She looks at herself in the mirror and in a completely natural way feels beautiful. She feels she's worth something. Not in a pretentious way, she's not a snob.

She meets people and doesn't care about the ones that mistreat her, she's not closed she just knows what she deserves. She knows how she should be treated and when she's not being treated that way she will walk away and know she's justified in doing so.

In brief she knows what she's worth and doesn't settle for anything less.

*Michelle* feels imperfect, from the way she is to the way she smiles. Instead of doing what she wants to do, she tries to do what she feels other people want her to do. She's not fishing for compliments she just doesn't see where they come from.

When people mistreat her she shrugs and assumes that it's her. When people do nice things for her she is in awe. She's not sure that there is anything special in her to make people want to treat her the way other people get treated.

Now how do we get Michelle more like Sarah?

*Names have been changed

time is running out

2005-03-30T09:11:00.000-08:00

R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

2005-03-26T16:22:00.000-08:00

Ladies do not let your boys mistreat you. PERIOD.

That is the easiest thing to say I know.

Boys are stupid.

I love you.

Watch me kick their ass.

2005-03-26T16:19:00.001-08:00

pretty gold shoes

2005-03-26T16:19:00.000-08:00

pretty silver shoes

2005-03-26T16:18:00.000-08:00

the hottest lingerie shop ever! wish i have loads of money to splurge on beautiful underwear and bras that noone will ever see.

2005-03-26T16:17:00.000-08:00

this underwear (from Victoria's secret) is the ONLY underwear that i have fell inlove with instantly.

2005-03-26T16:16:00.001-08:00

back of the HOTTEST underwear that i have EVER seen

2005-03-26T16:16:00.000-08:00

everday bra *sigh* i want bigger boobs

2005-03-26T16:15:00.000-08:00

lip balm, green=menthol and white=normal

2005-03-26T16:14:00.001-08:00

plain tops

2005-03-26T16:14:00.000-08:00

pretty top (i think i have the same top but in just orange)

2005-03-26T16:13:00.001-08:00

earrings #1 and earrings #2

2005-03-26T16:13:00.000-08:00

earrings #3

2005-03-26T16:12:00.001-08:00

earrings #4

2005-03-26T16:12:00.000-08:00

earrings #5

2005-03-16T20:27:00.000-08:00

snowmobile

far away

2005-03-10T15:01:00.000-08:00

You're all geographically very far far away. I can't always feel you. I can't always see you when I want to. Sometimes you feel like something I created in my mind. Something that I imagined to be once tangible.

Kind of like love.

Then I close my eyes and I remember. I remember the laughter, the tears, the never-ending hugs. I remember feeling drowned by my mistakes and have you pulling me out. I remember looking around for a friendly face and finding much more. I remember the phone calls the candid discussions. I remember seeing ice-cream when I was down, the shopping trips, the eating. I remember how I would cry and I would look at your face and see the same tears in your eyes.

T.C.- I remember when I said I was sad and to say something funny and you sent me all these jokes to make me laugh.
L.C.- I remember how I felt when I found you in that room full of crazy people, god knows what would have happened if you hadn't appeard.
S.B.- I remember feeling that no matter what I did, you would support me, you would never judge me, you would always be standing by me.
J.S.- I remember how patiently you let me cry and talk till I had no more tears left and nothing left to say.

I remember it all.

Then when I open my eyes again I wonder how I ever doubted your existance.
Kind of like love.

All the drama aside you are the people that get me through everything. You stand on the sidelines, watch me do good and bad, watch me get hurt, see me pushed to the ground. But you always help me pick it all up and stand again.

quoting again

2005-03-09T12:36:00.000-08:00

I'm only half way through this book so there are probably alot more quotes to come.....

Just to set the scene this guy is in jail, there is big division of races.

'Ganering respect is the same across races: Never break weak. Back the play of your brothers. Never let a woman in on the real deal. Stand strong in the face of adversity. Get one over on the system at every opportunity.

Have heart.
Keep your word, because it's the only thing you've got in here.'

Not the most beautiful beautiful piece of prose every written, but damn she does different perspectives better than anyone.

changing

2005-03-08T13:06:00.000-08:00

I don't remember the last time I was properly single but I have never looked back on that image badly. I've always thought that caring for someone and having them care for you in return was the best thing in the world even despite all the crazy ups and downs of love.

But come 2004/2005 and my perspective has done a 180 degree flip.

I still want the man of my dreams, I still want to be so in love with someone that my life would literally end if that person were taken out of it, I still want to love the unconditional love and be in the sort of love that completes me.

I'm not ready for that right now.

I thought that I was ready for that a long time ago and truth is, give or take a few more years and I'm still not sure that I will even be close to ready.

I thought for some naive and utterly stupid reason that because i had 'dated', because i had been hurt, because i knew how to care, that made me a pro in this game.

However what i do think that i have down is the getting hurt part. Hurting till you feel so lost that you can barely breathe let alone think is something i think i can deal with. I would take all of that hurting than the array of emotions that i'm feeling right now.

Relationships are too hard because breaking up is too hard. So until i am 100 million% ready for something that is going to last no shorter than a lifetime, something that perhaps i may never find i don't want to go through this again.

I can't go through this again.

So the plans are for the next few years;
* figure out who i am
* become who i want to be, instead of who i think people want me to be
* realise that the world is not going to end if i dont have a boy that loves me
* realise that being loved does not equate to being in love
* appreciate the pureness of something that i was too young and stupid to appreciate at the time

You deserve someone that is everything that i'm not right now, everything that i'm not sure that i will even be.

But at least i know now what i'm aiming for.

*insha allah*

2005-03-08T13:01:00.000-08:00

'Let me tell you what happens when you cook down the syrup of loss over the open fire of sorrow: It solidifies into something else. Not grief, like you'd expect, or even regret. No, it gets thick as paste, black as ash; yet it isn't until you dip a finger in and feel that sharp taste dissolving on your tongue that you realize this is anger in its purest form, unrefined; a substance to be weighted and measured and spread.'

Jodi Picoult- Vanishing acts

***********************************************************************************

Sydneyians, where are you?!

You

2005-03-01T06:05:00.000-08:00

You can make me laugh no matter how sad i am.

You make me feel more loved than all the people in the world added up together.

You hold me and it makes me feel like i could do anything in the world.

Your amazingness, how much you care for people and everything about you. the way you are to me, the way you are in general, the way you help, the way you love i cannot put into words.

Wish i was more like you

Feeling older than 19, realizing that I'm not

2005-02-28T13:29:00.000-08:00

People who should not be in a relationship.

People who;

*do not have the capacity to unconditionally love another person.

* cannot differentiate between loving and being loved .

*do not know the difference between who they are and who they want to be .

* don't know how to handle other peoples feelings with care due to any number of reasons.

By people I mean me.

I thought I had been through it aaaaallllll.

Fuck I have alot of growing up to do.

thought of the day

2005-02-23T11:36:00.000-08:00

Inverse correlation between being busy and the amount of deep (stupid) thoughts that go through my head.

Translation: do something, annyyyyyyyyytttthhhhinnnngg

**Aside**

I love love love love love NY. It is the only place i can imagine working/living in the next 10 years.

So despite needing to find some fabulous employer who will want to hire me, get them to write a letter to the embassy to say that I'm the only person that is capable for this job so i can attain a visa and finding an affordable place to live in a city where gross shitty apartments run for USD2000 per month. I'll get there.

*strikes a damn straight, bring it on pose*

hey sexy ladies

2005-02-23T10:17:00.000-08:00

to all the sexy ladies in ma life,

you guys are the sweeeeetest ever.

thanks a bunch.

Lovie Lisa

realization sets in

2005-02-22T21:51:00.000-08:00

never again.

never again.

n-e-v-e-r a-g-a-i-n.

you, yes you

2005-02-22T07:58:00.000-08:00

*Boys, make up your mind and stick to it.

*Boys, we are not objects to be played around with when you have nothing better to do.

*Boys, it is NOT alright to do something with one girl then tell her that you want another girl.

*One word reason for the growing number of lesbians ==> BOYS

endurance

2005-02-21T09:52:00.000-08:00

I've never been (and im very sure never will be) a top class/gold medal winning/olympic games participating athelete.

I cant imagine training 50 hours a week running/training my body/pushing pain barriers, hell i cant even imagine doing that once a week for 20 minutes.

However i think i liken the pain that athletes go through to cramming.

The fear and adrenaline that is associated with cramming i think rivals that of participating in the gold medal winning race of the 100 metres sprint.

Fear (and to some extent pride, but mainly fear) is the greatest motivator.

But at some point, you look your fear in the eye, you size it up, you realise that scary as it is your need for rest could beat its somewhat abdominable ass.

So you take a little shove at your fear, it topples, you push it harder, it falls and as it loses its balance (all in slow motion) you shrug the *fuck it* shrug and race for the bed.

Orillia weekend

2005-02-20T22:57:00.000-08:00

One of the BEST weekends

E
V
E
R

and to think that i would have not gone for e 40% midterm.

Hello no sleep, now i welcome you.

2005-02-16T19:16:00.000-08:00

Man i need to cut down on how much money i spend.

Although the money that i spend is not so much on irrational clothing but rather on shit like cereal, washing liquid, shampoo etc.

Dont fucking make me feel bad about it.

This is why i dont ever ask for money when im home.

I need a fricking job.

2005-02-15T19:59:00.000-08:00

Puma sneakers (already dirtied, anyone know how to get jean stains out of sneakers?)
summery skirt
this is the cuuuuuutest underwear everrrrr
looook even the back has a heart on it
i think everything i bought is pink....hmmm
pink jacket
primer and tinted moisturiser
pepper jeans, so not in my budget but i loved loved them
more jeans
dress, bought and worn on same day.

2005-02-15T19:42:00.000-08:00

Grand central park
Rockafellar centre

2005-02-15T19:38:00.000-08:00

Happy belated Valentines day.

nostalgia + other randomn thoughts

2005-02-15T18:03:00.001-08:00

At the end of this year (assuming all goes to plan, no failing etc) i will graduate.

Next year (also assuming some company decides they want to employ me) this time i will be a fully fleged full time worker.

WTF?!

Where has the time gooooooneeee. I swear it feels like yesterday i was studying maths for the HSC.

I visited Carolyn this weekend and it brought back a shitload of memories. Memories of seeing ppl everyday at school.

So to the people that i use to see in my different classes that i dont see enough of: Esther, Lizzie, Karman, Elisha, hello dudes.

Even the people i do see regularly, doesnt seem like i see you enough.

On a different note;
I'm a retard and do not know where to transfer money, maxed out my credit card and no longer have any more emergency money. AND i cant fix it coz phone cards from canada does not recognise 1800 numbers for centrelink.

In a strange country, no emergency money, no credit card about fifty bucks in cash on me at the moment. gggrrrrrrreeeeeaaaatttt

On a even more different note;
I highly endorse the talking about everrrryyyything. I think when you share something happy with someone it doubles the happiness and when you share something sad with someone it halves the pain. I think little details can and should be analysed to death and discussion on randomn and somewhat pointless things should go on looooooong into the night.

BUT,

there are however, some moments that are shared that are simply undescribable. They are completely defined by the way it feels. In hindsight it lacks rational sense, it is basically un explainable and if you were to try and describe it, what you would want to convey would come out sounding distorted. Remembering it feels like a blur, you cant really remember what excatly was happening or what exactly it meant, you just remember the waaaaaaaaay that it felt.
*sigh*

-There is nothing in the world like being held close by somebody else.-

Happy Chinese New Year

2005-02-08T13:47:00.000-08:00

Happy Chinese New Year everyone

If i was in Australia at the moment i would have helped make yummy lamb and zuchini dumpling, bought something red and changed necklaces.

Instead today I'm having cereal (it is a luxury since i ran out of milk two days ago and only just bought some), studying so i dont screw up two actuarial tests in a row and talking to myself about chinese new year since i dont know anyone chinese to celebrate with.

On the plus side, NY in ONE day!

To all the money that will be spent, i bid you an early farewell to you since now you mean so much to me that i can barely think about parting with you but in exchange for beaaauuutifuullll pieces of clothing, i will surely discard you as quickly as an old tissue.

hello mum

2005-02-07T14:19:00.000-08:00

I am officially turning into my mum.

Hello mum, you told me this day would come.

My mum has always told me that no boy would ever marry me coz i was too messy, to all the girls and boys out there who do not clean up after themselves, leave the kitchen in a total mess ie open containers of yoghurt should go back into the goddamn fridge! I hope you boys and girls have lots of little cockroaches crawl up you in your sleep.

There is a girl who i live with and she cooks, good you say but noooooooo, she cooks smelly food, leaves it in the pan to just sit there for the whole week, then she chucks it away so everytime you open the rubbish bin it smells like crap and does she ever take out the rubbish the of course not, that would make no sense.

I just scrubbed the bench and floor and there are things of all odours and colours, i went to the garbage shute four times and each time it smelt better than my kitchen.

YUCK YUCK YUCK.

Mum please please please train this girl before i set cockroaches on her.

I am a fricking moron

2005-02-06T07:04:00.000-08:00

My head feels like its be run over, the throbbing inside is making feel like the world is spinning very very very very quickly.

My stomach feels like it could throw up at any second.

I have not been in my bed for more than four hours a night for the past two days.

I'm feeling ashamed at the people that had to take care or my moroness.

I have an actl test tomorrow.

Whoop-di-fucking-doo

I am never drinking again.

boys

2005-02-05T13:47:00.000-08:00

Now tell me boys,

WHY BE SO HARD TO READ FOR?!

Would it be so hard to just let us know whats going on in your head.

question of the day

2005-02-04T08:15:00.000-08:00

What would be the minimum weight for a guy until you found him TOO skinny?

rich girl

2005-02-03T13:44:00.000-08:00

'if i was rich girl
na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na
See, I'd have all the money in the world, if I was a wealthy girl
No man could test me, impress me, my cash flow would never ever end
Cause I'd have all the money in the world, if I was a wealthy girl'

*siiiiiiiiiiiiiigggghhh* if i was adapting that song i would call it 'if i wasnt so pov all the time'

update

2005-02-03T10:02:00.000-08:00

new changes in Lisa' life.

*moved into a dorm
*weird looking scar on forehead BRIGHT RED = VERY UGLY
*goin to yale next thursday
*goin to NY next sunday and staying till tuesday
*discovered how even girls seem to leave the kitchen VERY dirty
*discovered how important asian food is to me
*realised that making friends is not as hard as i make it out to be in my head, 'mind over matter'
*just how long a cough can last

ps hope everyone has a great great vday.

Hard times

2005-02-02T06:17:00.000-08:00

'...and i know
i know
i know
when even springtime feels cold.
but i will learn to breathe this ugliness you see
so we can both be there and we can both share the dark.
And in our honesty together we will rise,
out of the darkness and into the light at the end of the fight...'

For my Australian love affair.

Highlights from Montreal

2005-01-30T07:11:00.002-08:00

Train trip to montreal
muffin woman, cooooorrrrnnnnmeal.....soooo yum!
static hair
to show how canadian we are, (ie to show how very bored we were on the train ride!)
sleepy head, note the beautiful double beds, i had one toooooo, allll to myself
big nice mountain, romantic setting, can see all of montreal. Would have appreciated it more if it werent so damn cold.
me the salsa dancing queen
the pro teaches us how to eat smoked meat, the proper way
we're at the coba, coba cabana
our first smoked meat experience
cookie dough icecream
jacket that i bought, monique calls this 'ozzie eskimo'
soooooo much foood at 4am in the morning
sexy nuuda underwear belt thingy
At foreplay, hahhaha
Midnight snack No. 2, tomato with boccocini
Julie in the middle, such a lovely person and getting married!
monique runnig and sinking in the snow, crazy girlie
monique coooovered in snow
trip back, trying to do this in reverse order!

For....

2005-01-29T20:53:00.000-08:00

For the record, i love you more than anything in the world and at the time i wished that id be with you forever.

That hasnt changed but i think we have.

I will still always love love love you, despite all your crap.

and maybe one day i will understand why you cant just say no and not feel like its a choice between me and your life. Sorry i dont get that now.

Sorry that i can't be apart of your life more.

giving people the wrong idea

2005-01-29T08:19:00.000-08:00

Ok some fooooood for thought,

What crosses the line between being friendly and leading someone on?

Some people by nature are just more affectionate and cuddly and touchy. But if you are like this with someone that may have feelings for you, does it count as giving them the wrong impression?

You might argue that its not, but imagine if you liked someone, everything they do or say to you, you would observe more closely. You'd hope that there was a lingering moment in the hug or something more to the words that they said. You would at least be able to imagine it in a way where it might mean more.

So does the fact that you're oblivious mean that you are free of any fault?

making friends

2005-01-28T09:13:00.000-08:00

Ok this post will most likely make me sound like a loser/stupid/whingy/self-pitying etc

I hate hate hate hate meeting new people, I'm not really sure when i developed this complex but for as long as I remember I've felt this way. I would rather run a ten mile run, donate all my clothes to charity, not eat ice cream for a month and pass up free sex and city dvds than do the university experience all over again.

So what in the world am i doing in canada, three million miles away from people i love and ALREADY know?

I have no effing idea.

I hate when you meet someone and you have to ask all the basics, where are you from, what do you study, do you like it here, blah blah blah di da. I hate when you find that you really dont have that much to talk about and try like anything to avoid the 'awkward silence' that you know is inevitably goin to come. I think its tiring to sustain comversation, its tiring to smile all the time and i am exhausted at the thought of having to be friendly when all i wanna do is hang on with people that know everything about me already.

I hate not knowing whether they actually like me/want to be friends with me or whether they are just making polite conversation. I hate asking for numbers, are you meant to do it or do you wait for them to? I hate not being able to be myself around people i just meet. I hate not being able to just be quiet if im sad/tired/whatever but having to be constantly bubbly. I hate talking about myself, my life, my friends, my home, boys. I can barely open up to my friends about these things and when i dont open up to strangers im suuuuurrree they are thinking that i'm ultra cold. I hate trying to make conversation instead of having it just flow.

I think if i was cool this would allll be different, and yes i'm probably just making excuses for myself. I am so not the say the right things at the right time type of girl, i don't have an aura about me that makes people want to be my friend and i have zero charisma as far as i know of and trust me i've tried searching for it.

It took me a year to settle into uni, to find people in actl who made class worth goin to.

I dont have a year.

I'm tired.

Lisa misses

2005-01-27T14:16:00.000-08:00

cudddddlllleeeesssss

fun thing to pass the time

2005-01-27T05:40:00.000-08:00

Ok i heard from someone that this was a question used for an interview and also it says something about you personality so anyone wanting to find out about themselves answer this.

If you were driving along in VERY VERY bad hail/rain/snow and you were in a car that could ONLY fit you and ONE other person (no squashing ppl and no exceptions). You drive past a bus stop where there stands three ppl who are being DRENCHED by the rain. They are getting wet and sick and it is HIGHLy unlikely that a bus will come soon.

One of the people is an elderly woman that will perhaps die if you dont get her to a hospital and treated, the other is an old friend who you no longer keep in contact with now but who has saved your life in the past, whom you feel debted to. And the other is your soulmate, you know that they ARE your soulmate.

The two people you dont pick up may not necessarily die but they may not necessarily survive, they might get a horrible bout of pneumonia and you most likely will never ever see them again.

Who would you save?

ps you CANNOT just stop and get the number of your soulmate or come back for anyone.

come back with answer and ill tell you what it means and whether you made it to the next round of interviews.

needing a soldier

2005-01-26T22:15:00.000-08:00

Ok i've only just posted the last post for about 10 minutes and ive already had a 'come on leeese that song makes you sound like a dependant girl Who in the world needs a soldier to take care of them?!'

So to clarify why i love this song. Not that much depth to it, i think the boys in it are hot hot hot, i cant sleep and dont wanna do work so this song is keeping me going until tiredness hits me.

However on the subject of girlies and their dependence on boys. (ok this could get personal, but i'm not aiming this at anyone in particular so if anything i say offends anyone, take it up with me but dont take it personally.)

I really really really really dont like the type of girls that would say 'i would be VERY happy to marry a rich guy and have him support me, while i shop/eat/bum for the rest of my life.' Said in a joke on a day where working/studying is shitting the crap out of you i TOTALLY understand, said in a serious where that is the future you actually want and i just DONT GET IT.

To me that says, 'i have everything in the world goin for me, i'm smart and very very capable of doing anything that i want to do but instead i will sit on my very capable arse and let some guy take care of me.'

I don't understand why any self-respecting capable woman would CHOOSE to do that.

I know that in a relationship its a give take thing of being taken care of and taking care of someone else but it is definitely something very very two-sided. The sweetness, the paying for stuff, the doors, the driving, etc we can do ourselves. Easily. But its nice knowing that this boy who KNOWS that i can do it all, still wants to do this for me. Its nice not because we feel we can't do it but because they KNOW that we can but would like to it for us anyway.

I've never been in a situation where i've thought 'FUCK there is no way i can get out of this unless i had a boy'. Even if push came to shove, perhaps i have too much confidence in my own ability, but im sure i could come into contact with his nuts and rescue myself.

I think i like KNOWING that he would stand up for me, despite knowing that i am very capable of standing up for myself.

You always hear about boys taking care of girl, protecting them blah blah blah di da. (Personally i think that is something highly perpetuated by the protectivenss of asian parents.) Thanks but i can keep myself safe, not saying it isn't sweet when you worry.

Basically all im saying is girls can do anything in the world. Boys are great don't get me wrong, i love cuddles and sweetness as much as the next person, probably more, but in the end even though we don't always look tough, we are.

soldier

2005-01-26T21:49:00.000-08:00

At the risk of sounding really homie, i luuuurrrrrvvveee this song:

just quoting the good bits.

'.......
A rude boy that's good to me, with street credibility
.....
I need a soldier
That ain't scared to stand up for me
Known to carry big things, if you know what I mean
......
need a soldier
That ain't scared to stand up for me
Gotta know to get dough and he better be street
......
I know some soldiers in here (where they at, where they at)
Don't mind takin' one for me (where they at)
.....'

and the boooooyyyyss in this clip are soooooooooooo hot.

ps when i say hot i mean lisa hot, the one with the moustache and the one with the arms and the one with the abs, niiiiiiiiiiiicccceee.

the pain, oh the pain

2005-01-26T11:04:00.001-08:00

OH MY *&%*$(&(%#!!

I think i have FROSTBITE OH MA GOD IT FUCKING HURTS!

i was walking around, probably for a bit toooooo long and my thighs started to hurt and i was like *meh* whatever, my thighs/ears/hands...etc hurt ALL the time, then they started to itch hurt the way sunburn does and i was like hmmmm.

THEN i got home, took off my pants and there are like RED RASHES ALLL OVER MY THIGHS.

i say to myself 'lisa dont freak out, this means nothing, just put on some moisturiser and all will be well'. so i LITERALLY downed about have a bottle of my dry skin moisturer on my thighs and rubbed it in (lightly coz it was KILLING) then i waited for the pain to go away....

instead it started to STING LIKE CRAP!! So now im sitting here coz its TOO painful to put on pants and hoping this pain goes away.

So if ANYONE would like to go to a pharmacy get me frostbite cream as well as some antibiotics (for my throat) and some soothers, THAT WOULD BE GREAT.

and i think to myself

2005-01-25T08:04:00.000-08:00

WHAT A WARM DAY!!!!!

Oh ma god it is SOOO NOT SUBZERO TODAY, what in the world is the opposite of sub-sero? air zero? whocares! my nipples and ears are fully intack i do not care if i have ZERO vocabulary!

YAYAYAYYAYAYAYAYAY

OH MA GOD IM SO GAy, goin to be late to ma lecture coz im so bloody happy its goin to be a gooooooood warm warm day.

2005-01-25T06:18:00.000-08:00

My Guess jacket, have to admit it looks really ugly but i swear its NOT

2005-01-25T06:17:00.000-08:00

Look at the closet space

2005-01-25T06:16:00.001-08:00

More mess

2005-01-25T06:16:00.000-08:00

man i am so not a tidy person

2005-01-25T06:10:00.000-08:00

Please dont mind the mess, i just did washing. Visuals to help with the decision process

to move out or to not move out, that is the question

2005-01-25T05:54:00.000-08:00

OK SERIOUS POST;

Should i move out of my homestay and into on campus residence?

ok reasons i think i SHOULD;
* this is the ONLY time in my live im goin to live on campus
* im here to do things different and sharing a room with someone should be one of them
* closer to uni so i dont have to bus it home at 2am in the morning
* more ppl ie less lonely
* more sleep ie wake up later
* no shitty public transport ALL the time

reasons AGAINST;
* this place feels like home
* ppl are LOVELY
* room is BEAUTIFUL double bed and EVERYTHING
* food is prepared for me more
* less expensive
* beautiful clean bathroom
* no sharing of room

ARGH ARGH ARGH ARGH, i need to decide like RIGHT NOW, im meant to be moving in to the place this sunday.

please please please help.

today

2005-01-24T14:55:00.000-08:00

Definition of *snud*;
*mud mixed with snow
* makes squishy noise when stepped on by hundreds of people
*when very cold hardens and becomes semi-ice so that you slip when you step on it even when you are wearing non-slippery snow boots
*when it becomes slightly warmer turns into many big ass puddles of dirt water
*has what i would imagine the consistency of shit mixed with snow in a blender to be like

Number of time i have almost fallen into snud; about 25
Number of times snud has wet my shoes and hence my socks: at least 10
Number of times i have humiliating fallen indoors due to wetness of floor made by residue snud from other peoples shoes: 3
Number of time i have FALLEN into snud hence dirtying my only pair of clean jeans, my hands, my shoes and socks even more and the sleeves on my jacket: 2
Although when i fell over infront of these two lovely girls who had JUST befriended me in actl class, whilst trying to show poise and elegance in adapting to this SHITE weather counts as much as the embarrassment for TEN falls.

On a MUCH happier note, Montreal was AMAZING with a capital A. Photos and stories later.

P.S. Attn ALLLLLLL boys. (hahah i dont think there are any boys reading this but any hoo)
Beanies are the hottest of hot. Every boy that i have seen in a beanie have appealed to me!
I repeat beanies are hot, go buy one, find and excuse to wear it and FEEEEEEEEEEEELLL the lynx effect.

spontaneous Lisa

2005-01-20T13:12:00.000-08:00

Half an hour ago this weekend was planned for LOTS of work.

Now I'm goin to Montreal!!!!!!!!

Watch out Quebec here comes Spontaneous Lisa.

I'm so not spontaneous that i dont even know if I'm spelling it right, who cares I'm going to Montreal.

one more

2005-01-20T11:40:00.000-08:00

"Heroes don't leap tall buildings or stop bullets with an outstretched hand; they don't wear boots or capes. They bleed, and they bruise, and their superpowers are as simple as listening, or loving. Heroes are ordinary people who know that even if their own lives are impossibly knotted, they could untangle someone else's. And maybe that one act could lead someone to rescue you right back."

Jodi Picoult

I just thought this was nice. No discussion necessary.

food for thought

2005-01-20T11:23:00.000-08:00

Meredith- "Relationships suceed and fail because of the people in them.....not because of some karmic plan. Fate is what people invent to explain what they can't understand. If you think Eli's the one, you tell yourself it was meant to happen. And if he breaks your heart, you'll tell yourself it wasn't meant to be.
I've spent ten years trying to find a man who knows where I am in a room the moment he steps inside, without even having to look. But it hasn't happened. I can admit the truth to myself- that I've got lousy luck at finding love-or I can tell myself that i have't crossed paths with my soul mate yet. And it's always easier to be a victim than a failure."

Shelby- "Then what's that something that draws you to one guy out of a crowd? Or that first strike of lightning between you? Or the realization that you've connected so deeply when you've only just met?"

Meredith- "Love. Love defies explanation. Destiny doesn't."

Jodi Picoult

Analyse and discuss please.

Decision match

2005-01-19T19:38:00.000-08:00

Round 1

Cuba vs Dogsledding

2005-01-19T06:07:00.000-08:00

one of THREE photos we took the WHOLE weekend and we couldnt get it centred so we just gave up, we are NOT doing snap and bend poses, we are just trying to get out heads into the camera. I SWEAR

2005-01-19T06:05:00.000-08:00

view down the road, yeh yeh snow all pretty but walking in it is a bitch.

2005-01-19T06:04:00.000-08:00

My home well for the next 2 weeks anyway

its snowing

2005-01-19T05:51:00.000-08:00

and im poopie.

i miss fruits and vegetables.

pesto is like grass pasta.

2005-01-18T20:48:00.000-08:00

Beautiful Monique. Despite this photo being posed for, she really WAS studying (or so she says!) NB the fireplace!

2005-01-18T20:45:00.000-08:00

Me sleeping whilst doing work, it was a REALLY good nap. This library was sooooo nice had a fireplace and was soooo warm. I blame the fireplace for my lack of work done and not the fact that i couldn't do any of the quesitons.

correction to previous post

2005-01-18T20:12:00.000-08:00

In regards to the post where i basically expressed how not a lady I was; I apologise for the excessive swearing because as of today i am OFFCIALLYenrolled in ACT 460.

I'd like to think my extremely moving blog had something to do with it, that somehow one of the people assigning rooms got hold of it whilst surfing the net and not doing his job and the unjustice of it all just moved him and compelled him to fix it someway or another.

Or they just found another room, whatever the reason I will offcially have a seat in EVERY lecture and will not have to plaster my bum on the floor so that I'm flashing everyone higher up than row two.

Come to think of it, THAT could be the reason that they have found another room!

Actually i take back my apology for the excessive swearing, i was venting and angry. YOU try sitting in a classroom where NOONE talks to you coz 3/4 of the people dont speak english taught by a metro bastard who hates you for not meeting HIS unorderly Canadian pre-requisites whilst trying to see past people from knee level with no seat and YES i did try standing but its a THREE HOUR LECTURE.

Ok, YES I'm having a whinge its -35 degrees today. Bite me.

ps totally unrelated: please dont be sad. You mean the world to me.

2005-01-18T07:59:00.000-08:00

There are those people in your life who you have been part of your life for like ever. Most of your memories in someway or another include them and most of the things that have happened in your life, little and big they have been privee to.

They are the people who know what you are trying to say before you can get the words out, they know when you're crying behind the smiles and they know that they could ask me to jump out of a train at any time and I would.

I think I've become a big believer in creating the road to your own destiny, I think there are many roads that lead to our destiny with each of these roads coming to a different conclusion. There are cross-roads at every decision you make and even the smallest decision could lead you to a completely different path.

Despite the many roads and the many decisions, I firmly believe that on any road I may have ended up on, despite there being an infinite amount roads, these people would be apart of my life. This is not because they mean the world to me, even though they do. Or because they are just amazingly wonderful people, even though they are. But it is because I cannot picture my life without them.

Lovie Lisa

P.S. I know this is soppy and mushy and i KNOW that some of you are rolling your eyes at the moment and I don't care.

lisa pisa visa card add

2005-01-16T20:13:00.000-08:00

*Guess jacket doubly reduced due to sale and even more so reduced do to button damage: $90 + tax on visa
*tea with condensed milk: $1.50 plus tax x 6
*jacket that i ended up buying to last me through winter that was LESS expensive the one that i was goin to buy : -$30
*Carolyn coming up for the weekend=fun, shopping sprees, stories, freezing thighs, toilet rice spitting, toooo much condensed milk, a million bathroom runs, eating out for all meals of the day, ultra fullness, great buys, nostalgic feeling of the olden days: Priceless

randomn thoughts

2005-01-14T11:31:00.000-08:00

Loving:
- sangria mixed with fruit and crazy international students
- talk of hot brazilian and italian boys
- nice ppl that talk to me to ask if im ok when thats just HOW i look coz its toooo cold and i am in no way sick at all
- schick intuition: how have i never discovered you before you sweet thing!
- aussies in canada
- Miss Sririn Buppapirak
- gorgeous girls who are ABSOLUTELY gorgeous but who have NO idea of their gorgeousness
- seeing carolyn in approx 3 hours
- the canadian accent, where about is 'abote' and not about hahahha
- bed

Hating:
- the 16 hour diff
- catching the last bus back and freaking myself out whilst walking home in the dark
- all the bottoms of ma pants being wet
- having NOTHING to wear
- carolyn's plane being delayed 3 hours! wtf!!!
- that ppl in canada do NOT use umbrellas in pouring rain and just put on their hoods, hence leading me to be completely drenched out of pride at not wanting to take out my umbrella appear completely UN-canadian
- over-dramaticness on my part
- allergic reactions to all painkillers making my face look mountains of rashes
- lining up for 45 minutes to pay for insurance
- paying $250 for insurance
- not being to able to sleep the sweet, dreamless, refreshing kind of sleep

Quite even, can't complain too much.

My oh, my oh, my oh, my o-oh
My oo-oo-ooooooooooo

2005-01-12T20:16:00.000-08:00

for smoolie

Warning: excess swearing ahead, venting needed

2005-01-12T10:52:00.000-08:00

Friday is the last day that i can enrol in new courses and since ACT 460 is still full i went to talk to my lecturer about letting more ppl into the course since there is like a fucking million ppl trying to get into it.

So i went and had a little chat to him and the reason that i and many other ppl cant get into this course is because there is a one hundred ppl cap on the course. To this i nicely and politely asked why that was to be told that it was because the room ONLY FUCKING SEATS 100 FUCKING STUDENTS.

WHAT THE FUCK SORT OF OF SYSTEM IS THAT!!!! who the HELLLLLLLLL arranges the NUMBER of students who do a course based on the AMOUNT OF FUCKING SEATING THAT IS AVAILABLE IN THE FUCKING ROOOOOOOOOM.

HOWs this for a brillian idea, find a bigger FUCKING room. This is an ACTUARIAL COURSE, there are not thousands of ppl doin it, as far as i know a room that seated 110 ppl would be ENOUGH.

BUt apparently it is TOOOOOO difficult to find a new room that seats more ppl in a uni that is about 4 times the size of UNSW. Well i think someone should have thought of that before they decided on this measely piece of shit room.

I am already doing ONE actuarial course by correspondence to which i thought FINE i have no other fucking choice and hopefully i can scrape through (with lots of help) and get ma credit. I was ALSO fine with doing this other one by correspondence (the one that is currently full) provided that ill be attending the lectures and learning stuff so i wont have to learn everything from scratch but NOOOOOOWWWWW after goin and seeing my lecturer he NOW knows that i am NOT ENROLLED and hence should not be there and he wont allow anyone sitting in the ailses. So he said that i can wait till everyone sits down then if there are seats available (which there wont be since ive sat in the aisle every fucking lecture) i can sit down, but if someone comes in late then i have to move for them coz they are enrolled and i am not.

SO NOW i fucking have to do TWO courses by correspondence both taught by fucking sachi and jiwooook without having learnt jack all over here in Canada that will be relevant at all to these courses. THERE IS NO FUCKING chance I’m getting two credits.

So to the ‘Department of assigning lecuture rooms for courses ' , you ppl fucking SUCK at your job. How fucking hard is it to accommodate for 110 people, 1 of whom DESPEARTELY needs to do this course. You can all bite me.

STUPID PROGRAM

2005-01-11T13:06:00.000-08:00

ARRRRRRRRGH i have just spent the last half hour trying to get the photos into one nice blog for you all instead of 10 different blogs (following as carefully as i could weilin's beautifully explained instructions) and did not get ANYWHERE.

How in the world am i meant to know how to write an html?!

So sorry about the reverse order and and lots of scrolling but TOUGH, i tried.

ps the title was meant to be 'compilation of my favourite photos' but somehow i couldnt find where to enter the title in either.

2005-01-11T12:56:00.000-08:00

me and mummy trying to prove we were actually there.